Our first meeting on the subject involved watching a wonderful DVD called Essential Principles for a Successful Courtship by Dr. S.M. Davis. Dr. Davis and his wife run a ministry called Solve Family Problems, and offer a large variety of materials on many different issues. We purchased quite a few of his DVD's at a Homeschool Convention last year and have loved his down to earth teaching style. His ministry website is located at http://www.solvefamilyproblems.org/SearchResults.asp?Cat=1853
Meeting number two was designed to make sure that the girls would be able to truly understand and articulate the differences between courtship and dating. This is a bit of an ambiguous subject from the outside and many of us adults have a hard time being able to understand the differences ourselves. But once we dug in a little deeper and wrote the differences up on the whiteboard - it was VERY clear that the two systems are different in every way.
Being a bit of a word geek, I decided to start off by researching the words "date or dating" as used in modern romantic context, and the word "courtship". This was a great springboard into our discussion...
But first a few pictures from our Christmas party...Merry Christmas everyone, see you in 2014!!
But first a few pictures from our Christmas party...Merry Christmas everyone, see you in 2014!!
Courtship
1828 Webster’s Dictionary
The term “date” or “dating” as we know it today does not exist
The term “date” or “dating” as we know it today does not exist
“Courtship”: 1. The
act of soliciting favor. 2. The act of wooing in love; solicitation of a
woman to marriage. 3.
Civility; elegance of manners.
1913 Webster's Dictionary
‘Date’ in modern terms still hasn’t made
an appearance
‘Courtship’ definition remains the same
with the following addition: “This
method of courtship, [by which] both sides are prepared for all the matrimonial
adventures that are to follow. Goldsmith.”
Modern Webster Dictionary
Date:
1. an appointment to meet at a
specified time; especially : a social
engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character 2. A
person with whom one usually has a romantic date 3. to do an activity with someone you might have
a romantic relationship with : to go on a date or several dates with
(someone) 4. to go out on usually
romantic dates
Courtship:
the activities that occur when people are developing a romantic
relationship that could lead to marriage or the period of time when such
activities occur.
Defining Courtship and Dating
Let's begin by defining courtship. Courtship
ordinarily begins when a single man approaches a single woman by going through
the woman's father, and then conducts his relationship with the woman under the
authority of her father, family, or church, whichever is most appropriate.
Courtship
always has marriage as its direct goal.
What then is dating? Dating, a more modern approach,
begins when either the man or the woman initiates a more- than-friends
relationship with the other, and then they conduct that relationship outside of
any oversight or authority.
Dating may or may not have marriage as it’s goal.
The Differences Between Courtship and
Dating
What are the differences in these two systems? For
our purposes, there are three broad differences between what has been called
“biblical courtship” and “modern dating.”
1. The Difference
in Motive
The
first difference lies with the man's motive in pursuing the relationship.
Biblical courtship has one motive — to find a spouse. A man will court a
particular woman because he believes it is possible that he could marry her,
and the courtship is the process of discerning whether that belief is correct.
To the extent that the Bible addresses premarital relationships at all, it uses
the language of men marrying and women being given in marriage (see Matt.
24:38; Luke 20:34-35). Numbers 30:3-16
talks about a transfer of authority from the father to the husband when a woman
leaves her father's house and is united to her husband. The Song of Solomon showcases
the meeting, courtship, and marriage of a couple — always with marriage in
view.
Modern dating, on the other hand, need not have
marriage as a goal at all. Dating can be recreational. Not only is "dating
for fun" acceptable, it is assumed that "practice" and learning by
"trial and error" are necessary, even advisable, before finding the
person that is just right for you. The fact that individuals will be
emotionally and probably physically intimate with many people before settling
down with the "right person" is just part of the deal. Yet where is
the biblical support for such an approach to marriage? There is none.
2. The Difference in
Mind-set
Modern dating is essentially a
selfish endeavor. I do not mean maliciously selfish, as in "I'm going to
try to hurt you for my benefit." I mean an oblivious self-centeredness
that treats the whole process as
ultimately about me. After all,
what is the main question everyone asks about dating, falling in
love, and getting married?
"How do I know if I've found the one?" What is the unspoken ending to
that question? "For me."
Selfishness is not what drives a
biblical marriage, and therefore should not be what drives a biblical courtship.
Biblical courtship recognizes the general call to "do nothing out of
selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than
yourselves" (Phil. 2:3, NIV).
Marriage is about sacrificial giving, not selfish taking.
Biblical courtship means that you
do not look for a laundry list of characteristics that comprise your fantasy future
husband so that your every desire can be fulfilled…but that you look
for a godly man as Scripture defines.
In other words, modern dating asks, "How can I
find the one for me?" Biblical courtship asks, "How can I be the one
for him?"
3. The Difference in
Methods
Third, and most practically, modern
dating and biblical courtship are different in their methods.
And this is where the rubber really
meets the road. In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical
courtship, commitment precedes intimacy.
According to the current school of
thought, the best way to figure out whether you want to marry a particular
person is to act as if you are married and see if you like it. Spend large
amounts of time alone together. Become each other's primary emotional
confidantes. Share your deepest secrets and desires. Get to know that person
better than anyone else in your life. Grow your physical intimacy and intensity
on the same track as your emotional intimacy. What you do and say together is
private and is no one else's business, and since the relationship is private,
you need not submit to anyone else's authority or be accountable. And if this
pseudo-marriage works for both of you, then get married. But if one or both of
you do not like how it is going, go ahead and break up even if it means going
through something like an emotional and probably
physical divorce. Such is the process of finding "the
one," and this can happen with several different people before one finally
marries. In the self-centered world of secular dating, we want as much information
as possible to ensure that the right de cision is being made. And if we can
enjoy a little physical or emotional comfort along the way, great.
Clearly, this is not the biblical picture. The
process just described is hurtful to the woman that the man purports to care
about, not to mention to himself. And it clearly violates the command of 1
Thessalonians 4:6 not to wrong or defraud his sisters in Christ by implying a
marriage-level commitment where one does not exist. It will have a damaging
effect on the man's marriage and hers, whether they marry each other or not. In Biblical relationship, commitment precedes
intimacy. Within this model, the man should follow the admonition in 1 Timothy
5:1-2 to treat all young women to whom he is not married as sisters, with
absolute purity. The man should show leadership and willingness to bear the risk
of rejection by defining the nature and the pace of the relationship. He should
do this before spending significant time alone with her in order to avoid
hurting or confusing her. He should also
seek to ensure that a significant amount of time is spent with other couples or
friends rather than alone. The topics, manner, and frequency of conversations
should be characterized by the desire to become acquainted with each other more
deeply, but not in a way that defrauds each other. There should be no physical
intimacy outside the context of marriage, and the couple should seek
accountability for the spiritual health and progress of the relationship, as
well as for their physical and emotional intimacy. Within this model, both
parties should seek to find out, before God, whether they should be married,
and whether they can service and honor God better together than apart. The man should
take care not to treat any woman like his wife who is not his wife. Of course
he must get to know his courting partner well enough to make a decision on
marriage. However, prior to the decision to marry, he should always engage with her emotionally in a
way he would be happy for other men to engage with her.
In all these ways, a biblical relationship looks
different from a worldly relationship. If this is done well, Christian women
will be honored, even as they are pursued. Christian wives will be honored. And
God will be glorified.
All material taken from: http://www.alertcadet.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/courtship-vs-dating.pdf
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